i must admit, when i first step into my sec 1 class, i felt lost. every single word is spoken in English. as a more chinese educated boy, i really felt as though im in the wrong place. how is this little chinese-oriented mama's boy gonna mix with rich ang moh-educated cool kids? i was about to find out. my 1st year in SJI was horrendous. struggled to find someone to relate to. basically im a loner in sec 1. i was interested in learning how to play football, but no one was there to teach me. so i tried to become closer friends with the soccer players in my class. my class had 7 school team players at that time, and they love to hang around the street soccer court after school everyday. so i began to stick with them. however, they didnt really treat me as a friend. they saw me as an outsider and despised me (perhaps because we were all very young then). never really learn how to play football from them. in a blink of an eye, sec 2 came. sec 2 was basically the same, still struggling with my studies due to my poor command of english. i was playing more football, but as a goalkeeper -.-". people looked down on me and talked behind my back. the young and adorable me (haha bhb) evolved into an angry young man, i was a fustrated soul. i wanted to get back at them, pple who laughed at me, pple who mocked me. although i know that something is not right with my attitude, i hecked care. i just wanted some revenge. sec 2 ended in a sour note, what i had managed to store up was a stomach of hatred.
so sec 3 came. a new class. and a new role for me. now im no longer a goalkeeper, im a defender, a center back. the hatred in me drove me to train so hard that by the time inter-class came, i was already touted as the best defender in SJI. people looked up to me. even my ex classmates were amazed at the speed of my improvement. i felt confident. i like the feeling of walking into the field with pple pointing at me saying: 'look, thats the best defender in SJI' though i was good, i was a jerk. I would taunt opposing players, making fun of them and disrespect them. as a defender, i had great strength and my tackles were strong, impactful and accurate. but everytime i went into a challenge, my target was both the ball and the player's leg. indeed i was very arrogant, and as the captain of the team i ordered my team mates around, if they did something wrongly, i would shout at them, sometimes in vulgarities. players who once laughed at me was given the worse treatment. i would go into a tackle with full intention of dismantling their legs while making the tackle look like a fair one by catching both the ball and their legs. then i would taunt them by telling them how they couldnt get past me (what a bastard). SJI was mainly dominated by attackers with immense skills, a couple of them plays for the national youth team. So as a defender, i was a different breed. my classmates held me in high regard, treating me as their star player. and many juniors whom i played with also held me in the ranks of the best players in the school. people feared me, but they never respected me. my studies suffered as a result of my obsession in football. i was asked to retake sec 3 again.
so sec 3 #2 came. a new class again. a new position again. im training as both a defender and a midfielder. my new classmates adored me... they treated me like a david beckham. that year, I played a pivotal role in my team's 3rd place finish (being the underdogs of the competition). on the outside i was happy, but still feeling empty in the inside. soon, injury strucked me, i was out for 1 month from a bruised shin due to a violent clash of legs with another player. i blamed him for the injury, so being the jerk as i am, i came back from injury to give him some bad tackles too. we got into a fight. and a few month later, i was out injured again. a twisted ankle meant that i had to sit out for 3 long months. that injury nvr really recovered, it gave me recurring nightmares and i was unable to play to my best. whenever i tried to give my best in a game, my ankle would give way. It was at that time that i really tried to assess my life. i knew i had developed a dual personality. it was as if the good zhi kang is fighting with the bad zhi kang. there were internal struggles. i struggled to make sense of all my behaviours.
however, during these 5 years in SJI, i had slowly and silently grew closer and closer to God, each and everyday. He had silently planted a seed of repentance in me. I made a decision to stop my horrendous behaviours and took concious efforts to restrain myself when im angry. So by the time i was sec 4, my character started to change, almost like a miracle. i learned how to look at the brighter side of life, and gradually i became more understanding and less judgemental. I joined a community service group called St Vincent de Paul and became a youth volunteer. soon i was actively involved in community service in ren ci hospital and a child care center. Volunteering was the perfect way to subdue the monster in me. It also made me realised how fragile life can be. life is too short to be angry all the time... the people i met while volunteering also taught me alot about life and how it should be lived.
till now, im still quite amazed at how sudden my change was. I believe God was with me all the time to guide me along the way. He was there when i made the decision to change, probably standing beside me applauding it. =)
but the real metamorphosis starts when i entered CJC.
